i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
