How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
