What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
