she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
