you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
