eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
