you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize