I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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