How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
