Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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