I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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