Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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