know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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