imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize