At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
