at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
