I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
