When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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