Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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