I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
