Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize