id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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