pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just cropdusted the office
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
