just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize