Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
