Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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