I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
another moral hangover. fuck.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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