She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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