i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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