I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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