They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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