OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
