Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Randomize
