So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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