I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
