I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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