My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
