My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
