I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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