Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
