My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
