I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You were trust falling into bushes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
