Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
