I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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