you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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