there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
