Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
