I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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