I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
