That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize