My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
