I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
