mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
