Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
