i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
