You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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