Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
