You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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