so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize