After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
