I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
