Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
