You can't motorboat a personality
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
