I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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