i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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