Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Let's get the cat blown out
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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