The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
