The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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