To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
