I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
