I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
