Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize